An exceedingly cunning plan…

So exactly what is this ‘elf and safety’ lark which seems to be so dominating society these days, invading almost every facet of normal everyday life?

Police recently nabbed two grafitti artists defacing public property and ordered them to clean-up their handiwork. Bravo. Saves using taxpayer’s money for the purpose.

But then, in step West Wilts Council…

Belay that order. We need to carry out a ‘risk assessment’ first. Surely no-one is suggesting that the Council, or any authority for that matter, actually give a monkey’s wotsit whether these vandals scrape a fingernail whilst erasing their artwork. Of course not.

The health of the vandal, or anyone else, is of secondary importance, at very best. How else would you explain threatening homeowners with 1,000 pound fines if they don’t clean-up the grafitti daubed on their (private) property by (possibly) unknown vandals? Where’s the concern for the ‘health and safety’ of these private individuals who are forced to clean up the mess left by others?

It’s the so-called ‘claims culture’, which means that the true definition of ‘health and safety’ is really:

‘Cover your posterior, and cover it well.’

The more vivid the imagination (ballroom dancing on mats, leaves possibly falling on binmen), the less likely a successful law suit.

However, might it not equally be a very cunning and well thought out strategy to combat unemployment and increase fiscal revenues? Think about it for a moment and it all starts to make sense. And the real beauty of it all is that it is self perpetuating, requires little or no effort, little or no capital outlay and the general public will simply blame it all on an outbreak of lunacy.

It all starts with a few, possibly even genuine, claims being made. The idea catches on, so what do you need? Lawyers specialising in claims. That means EMPLOYMENT. They will, of course, command higher and higher salaries, and that means more and more REVENUE.

Local authorities, companies etc, faced with potentially astronomical compensation payouts, are forced to introduce counter measures, known as Health and Safety regulations. So what do you need? Health and Safety Officers, preferably with vivid imaginations. That means more EMPLOYMENT. Similar to lawyers, these people will be highly paid, and that means even more REVENUE.

Insurance companies will offer to cover more and more bizarre scenarios, at a premium, which will mean bigger taxable profits and therefore more REVENUE. More staff will be required to administer these polices, so yet more EMPLOYMENT and even more REVENUE.

After that it’s just sit back and watch it mushroom as each side becomes more ingenious and more numerous. And the knock-on effect, well. Bigger buildings, transport….Simplicity itself, more and more employment, more and more revenue all the way down the line. The only people who suffer in all this, of course, are Joe Public, as usual, but who cares about them except two weeks before an election? Anyway, they’ll just put it down to another outbreak of lunacy.

Sheer brilliance. So obviously not devised by Mr Bean…