Nerja Today

Humour and the Law

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

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These are actually true!:

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Louisiana State Law:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault." 

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Iowa State Law:
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

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Illinois State Law: 
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

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Alabama State Law: 
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

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An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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