Inside leg, disposable nappies and helium….

People always say, ‘there’s never a policeman around when you need one’, and it is invariably true. No shortage when you don’t want one.

I suppose it’s quite understandable, after all they are rather preoccupied with tracking down the hardened criminals. Like Mark ‘Sundance’ Twizell, a 16 year old who was apprehended at a charity event in Newcastle.

Mark was spotted by a keen-eyed official who noticed that he had failed to tie-off his helium filled balloon which then flew away into the distance. Gotcha. Fifty pound fine for dropping ‘littering’ and the threat of the magistrate’s court if he fails to pay up within 28 days.

The Council operates a zero tolerance policy towards litter, which means that charity balloon races are out of the question and heaven help the baby in the pram who accidentally lets go of the string. It will be straight to borstal I’d imagine.

Right. Let’s quickly check your notes. Name…John Smith…Inside leg measurement…38.2 inches…..should be metric but we’ll overlook that on this occasion. Get it right next time, though, Mr Smith….Distinguishing marks…butterfly birthmark on left buttock….Never had athletes foot or piles. OK…..Name of mother’s neighbours daughters friend’s dog….Rover…No imagination some people….Annual income….thirty thousand….Favourite singer….Britney Spears….glad you don’t live near me….Well, Mr Smith, it all seems to be perfectly in order so we’ll cut that duplicate key for you now, shall we?

Outrageous? Not judging by the way things seem to be going. The loonies in Plymouth have been sending out questionnaires to residents asking for medical details, whether they use disposable nappies and even asking for a person in the household to be nominated as being ‘responsible’ for the rubbish bin!! Surprised they don’t insist on a Masters Degree before allowing someone to possess, let alone be in charge of, a waste receptacle….

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